Why do I balk?

I have been invited to a "Survivor's Banquet," on March 11. My first gut impulse is to say "Thanks, but no thanks." Why do I balk at this identification with other women who have been through this disease, with women who have the confidence to celebrate their status as survivors?

I don't even like the word "survivor" in this context. It sounds so wimpy, so passive to me. As if something bad happened and all I did was persevere--but isn't that exactly what happened? And, I'm not sure this is something I can celebrate, embrace or otherwise share with a whole group of people. I don't feel triumphant yet, I still feel abused.

Am I suffering under the illusion that I am special, that somehow my experience is different? Am I just shy about publicly coming out of the metaphorical breast cancer closet? Is it just that I have learned to be distrustful of groups in general, after small town politics in NY? Am I feeling a bit guilty because I got off easy, and my experience seems so less traumatic than what it could have been, than what others have gone through? I examine all my feelings and don't think it's any of these things.

I rationalize. I might meet some interesting people. This might be a means to get to know people in a new town that I otherwise might never encounter. Get a grip Pam, it could be fun!

Maybe it's just still too fresh, too raw. Maybe it's just that I want to look forward, not back. Maybe I'm still pretending that this doesn't have to be what my life is about anymore, and I can go back to the way things were. Maybe I just don't want to be one of "them," I want to be "normal."

So, you see, I'm still working on the last of my five stages, acceptance of what is, of what has happened to me. I still don't accept this at all.

Hmmmm.....