Home again, hippity-hop

I had an interesting appointment yesterday with Dr. Lin and the "Plastics Crew." The source of my constant pain appears to be a nerve that got nicked, pinched or otherwise outraged during the reconstruction surgery, underneath the right breast. After locating the offending spot where it hurt the most, they injected a local anesthetic, and wow! Instant relief!

We also had a serious discussion about aesthetics. While I am happy with the way everything looks in clothes, in the naked light of day, I'm still pretty grossed-out. I don't know what I expected, but this isn't it. Dr. Lin assured me that the parts I am most concerned with, the morphed, "melty" appearance of my cleavage where one flops and pooches out and the other puckers and sucks inward, can be corrected easily, and at the same time they slap on some fake nipples. It was at this point that I realized that I am just plain tired of having things "done" to me. I feel like I've been in the outer reaches of a whirlwind, and I need some time in the eye of the storm to calm down, get used to the way things are going to be from now on. I'm still working on the "mental game," trying to find some balance and peace, now that the worst parts appear to be "over." I asked if we could just postpone any further intervention for six months or so, and deal with this later. Much later.

"Absolutely," was his reply. "Take all the time you need."

"I just want to get my strength back and give myself some time to heal in body and mind, before doing surgery again," I found myself saying to them. I was surprised at my own reaction, but that's really how I feel. I want some time to get used to the idea that this will be my spirit's vessel from now on, and I want to know how I'll feel when the constant pain of these artificial parts abates. Right now, they are just "add-ons," not part of my consciousness, other than a source of annoyance and inconvenience and visual cringing.

Let's just chill out for awhile, is my thinking. Let me get used to the idea that this experience is going to be part of my past instead of a constant present worry that has to be dealt with right now, today!

The drive home was easy, without the nagging ache under my right side. This morning, the pain is back, but not as pronounced. My mental anguish is calming down too. I don't have to DO anything now except heal and be well, and show up again in late March. That, in itself, is a relief and a blessing.