It has been a little more than a week since I saw my oncologist and received the news that I do not have to have chemotherapy. Indeed, chemotherapy's risks outweigh any benefits I might receive from the treatment, and statistically, I am at a very low risk for recurrence of the cancer that upended my life and smacked me around for 4 months last year.
I'm still having a hard time believing this. (Heck, I'm still having a hard time believing that this cancer happened to me at all)! I have been feeling completely exhausted this week, wondering why I am so tired, so unmotivated, unable to rouse myself to any significant activity or interest. Today, I woke up thinking that I must be suffering from the mental equivalent of the physical lethargy that comes after a spurt of adrenaline has been expended.
I've been at what daughter Juli calls "DEFCON ONE" for months, functioning robotically in a state of near-panic, going from one appointment to the next, psyching myself up for every next step, juggling logistics of the future like balls in the air, trying to keep calm and centered in the midst of mental and physical turmoil. No wonder I'm tired.
Thankfully, I have the time and permission I need to just let it all down. No one to take care of except myself and Echo (who, as a dog, will take any care or attention with unconditional tail-wagging joy). Bill is out working and enjoying it. I am home, I will get my energy back, there is time now for me to do nothing until I'm ready again.
I'm going to be all right. I'm going to be okay. Breathe.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
You know - I don't really think society understands what happens when you are handed a cancer diagnosis. We did find out that it is treatable and not always a death sentence. We did find out that you can deal with about anything once you have dealt with this diagnosis. But, I don't quite think we have found out how to erase the emotional scars. Is time the answer? Do you play mind games and pretend it never happened until you go to your next checkup? Whatever the answer, maybe time will be our friend and at least quiet the qualms of a cancer diagnosis.
Post a Comment