Things to do before I go

Suspend phone, TV, satellite internet service
Forward mail, pre-pay P.O. box
Turn down thermostat
Turn off water supply, water heater, water softener, UV purifier, propane tank
Give keys, instructions to Joe for rental properties; arrange carpeting with Mickey
Put lights on a timer
Take out the garbage!
Get vet records for Echo

And the list keeps growing...

On the way to being on the road

The details are starting to come together.

I went to the dentist this morning and came away with a perfect checkup and polished pearly whites. This is stupendous! I am at the age where there's always at least one new cavity plus usually several past restorations that are broken or getting ready to fail. To have a report of "Go and sin no more," is a rare treat.

I went and had the oil changed on the car, tires balanced and rotated, and I bought new wiper blades, Rain-X for the windshield and other travel supplies.

I found Bill's dress shoes and belt, and picked out some clothes to take or send. I am still looking for Juli's dishes--did I already send them and just forget that I did? No, they are probably lurking somewhere in the basement with everything else.

Now it's warm enough to go out and resume painting and finishing. Joe is feeling a little better, and the drywalling continues. He is a much better taper than I am, I'm happy to note.

I can see the finish line far off in the distance. Homestretch now.

New Date of Departure

I'm now shooting for leaving TN around November 8. That would put me in Seattle by November 15, or five weeks before the wedding. Not a lot of time, but it will have to do.

Joe is working diligently on finishing the bathroom. I am too. But today it is way too cold (40F) out there for painting, so maybe today will be devoted to finding things I need to take to Washington. Tomorrow it is slated to warm up again, so I can finish the finishing on the lumber and get the baseboards painted. Boy, my arms are tired just thinking about it.

Daughter Juli and I talked Wedding Logistics this morning. We decided on a menu, discussed party rentals like chairs, plates, flatware and champagne glasses, and remembered things like ice! Butter Pats! Cake! Sterno for steam tables! We are amateurs, trying mightily to put on a major event, and we have no idea what we are doing. We're totally faking it.

But it is very exciting. And it will be fun. Whatever details we miss will be stories to laugh about in the future. I am determined to be as laid-back as she is about all of this and to avoid becoming Bridezilla's Mother at all costs.

Snow???

It's really blowing out there this morning. Of course it is, I have lumber a-curing! I quickly went to weather.com to see what kind of painting weather I'd have today, and the forecast is not encouraging.

Today, we're supposed to have a bone-chilling HIGH of 48 degrees. And as an extra added bonus, tomorrow morning it will snow.

The heck with it. I feel like going back to bed.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I overdid it yesterday. After waiting for the rain to subside, I wrestled the ceiling paneling outside and started finishing it. But I didn't like the color of the natural pine with the polyurethane finish, which always makes things a tad yellow (the label calls it "slight ambering," which is a subtly nice way of saying "it yellows"). So off to Walmart I went, with a hunk of pine 2 x 4 in my hand, to test various stain colors. I decided tentatively on a maple hue, and here are the results:

Now the ceiling will tie in visually to the maple vanity cabinet, and I will be all coordinatey. (I know that's not a real word, and I'm okay with that). Isn't it nice that I have a deck that doubles as a really big sawhorse?

After staining and first-coat finishing 240 linear feet of boards, I was pooped. Then, after dark, I packed up about 20 auction boxes. After that, I swilled down a Mike's Hard Lemonade and staggered to bed.

Today, more of the same. Another coat of polyurethane on the panels, staining and first coat on the beam-wrapping boards, another eleventy-billion auction boxes. Tomorrow, Joe will finish the drywall installation and start taping and mudding. And I will paint mouldings, baseboards and the linen closet door.

And then, I'll start packing for the west coast.

South'run Greens

When my guests and I visited the Farmers' Market on Tuesday, I got talked into buying a bag of "greens." The seller said they were kale, although it didn't look like any kind of kale I've ever seen. He raved about how tender and sweet they were, and by golly, they did look fresh and inviting, and before I knew it, I was walking away with a whole bag of them for a dollar.

On the last night Molly and Alexandra were here, I chopped up two slices of bacon and two onions and put them in a stockpot. I then added the washed greens and a little water and cooked them down for about 45 minutes while I made some brown rice and quickly sauteed some salmon.

Wow! What a revelation! With a little squeeze of lemon juice and some salt and pepper, it was like the best spinach ever! And I could almost feel the vitamins coursing through my system.

I may get this Southern thing down yet, although don't hold your breath waiting for me to come around on the issue of biscuits and gravy...

Sad Pond

It's blowing out there this morning, and looking like rain. I know I said last year was dry, but this year, it's even worse. I think it would take about a month of rain to refill the pond and rejuvenate the well:

Yes, that's a "floating dock" during the normal life of the pond. Not so much floating now. It must be awfully crowded in there for whatever remaining fish we have. The nesting box that Bill installed by untying the dock and paddling it over to the far end of the pond, can now be walked to:

All we can do is wait for nature to reassert herself--and plan on restocking the fish in the spring.

Molly and Alexandra made it safely to Houston. We had such a good time together while they were here. Here we are after our Cumberland Gap hike:

I've also posted pix on the sidebar showing our hike up to the far ridge and the fall woods in glorious color.

The bathroom project continues, despite the threat of rain today. Joe sounds like he's getting a cold, so I'm keeping my distance. This weekend, when the sun returns, I will stain and finish all the wood tongue-and-groove ceiling panels, and paint the baseboards and closet door. Then I can get started on packing everything up for the trip west. I can't believe I'm supposed to be leaving in a week. I'm kind of skeptical that the Nov. 1 estimated date of departure will hold. I'll just have to wait and see.

Molly & Alexandra Meet Tennessee

It is so interesting to watch friends and loved ones discover this new place I live in.

Yesterday, we did in-town errands: Farmer's Market (where they found the accents undecipherable), bank and post office ("they're all so friendly!"), voting at the courthouse, lunch at Sweet Creams, Walmart for water and dog treats. We went for a good long hike up back, took afternoon naps and made steak for dinner.

Today, we hiked in the morning on the far ridge, had lunch at El Pueblo, then drove up to the Cumberland Gap for more hiking, a quick tour of the museum, a stop at the scenic overlook, and home. They must think I'm a hiking fool.

Tomorrow, my friends go to the urban part of their vacation, visiting Ryan, Molly's son and Alexandra's half-brother, in Houston . It's been great to reconnect, laugh and enjoy each other's company. Even the dog seems happy to have more people in her house to play with.

Tomorrow, the bathroom project resumes and my friends go away. At least I had indoor facilities while they were here, and they are good enough friends to put up with the messiness the construction process entails. Thanks for a wonderful visit!

Very Bad Dreams

I think I've mentioned before that I don't dream often, or at least I don't remember them. I awoke this morning in a clutch of anxiety.

I was dreaming that I had a giant lump in my armpit, and I had to get to the oncologist right away. Then I had to have surgery again and he ordered chemo immediately, and I wasn't able to go to my daughter's wedding, and everyone, including myself, was back in the fear-cycle of cancer for another year and beyond.

My armpit was actually hurting when I came to consciousness--my pajama top had gotten all crunched up under my arm and was pressing on my scar line. Tentatively, anxiously, I searched with my fingers. There is no lump. Just constrictive clothing. And an overactive subconscious.

Now I'm all discombobulated, trying to regain some balance for the day. Uneasy and on guard. Just when I think I'm over it, it comes roaring back to unsettle me again. I hate this stuff.

Laundry Day Blues

I am trying to remember the last time I did laundry, and I'm not coming up with anything in the memory banks. It's a good thing the laundromat has giant washers that hold 5 loads at a time. I think I may need two of them today. If it's been so long that I can't remember what month I last did laundry, it's obviously been too long.

I have a love-hate relationship with laundry. In NY, I would do one load of wash per day, and thoroughly enjoy the zen of hanging out the wash on the clothesline for a meditative respite. This came to a screeching halt, of course, when winter arrived. From October to May, laundry was an indoor chore, carried out in the deep, dark dungeon of the basement, and I tended to put it off until we ran out of clothes, doing it all at once like a reluctant penance.

With just the two of us (and now the one), and with the spectre of running out of well water with the ongoing drought, it's become a once-a-month chore at the laundromat. I actually like the idea of just putting it all in a giant washer and getting it done all at once (NO sorting--just throw it in)! It takes about 2 hours with all the gathering, hauling out to the car, hauling in to the 'mat, hauling back to the car, then hauling into the house to be dried in the dryer here at home.

It's the anticipation of the whole process that makes my procrastination gene switch on. But there's just no putting it off any longer--today is the day! Houseguests are coming, blankets and sheets need to be fresh, and once again, I'm out of underwear and socks.

Now I remember the last time I did the wash--I had just started a ribbon shawl and took my knitting to occupy me while the machine did its job. I started the big industrial behemoth, and sat down to open my knitting bag, only to find that I was missing one needle. One quick look at the big, wet window confirmed my suspicion--there it was, tumbling around amongst the clothes inside the washer. I spent the rest of the cycle mesmerized by the clack of the bamboo needle against the glass, wondering how many holes it was going to poke in my clothes before I could open the washer again.

It all turned out okay. I retrieved my needle (unbroken!) and my clothes were fine. But that was like...six weeks ago?

I am a terrible, lazy person. And I obviously have too many underwear and socks, it just feeds the laundry procrastination.

Life with working plumbing...is GOOD!

I am so tickled to be back in the land of real plumbing. It was raining last night, and I was inwardly grumbling about going out to use the bucket, and then I remembered--I have a real
commode now! That's pretty exciting in my little world.

Today, it's back to life as usual. I have a veritable mountain of laundry to take into town and many clean-up chores to attend to before my houseguests arrive on Monday night. I can't really vacuum yet, as the floor is littered with power tools, tool boxes and fixtures, and the vanity is sitting square in my living room, but I can vacuum around all that stuff for the time being. Joe is taking the weekend off, and will be back Monday to put in the floor and start on the walls. I have no overhead lights in the kitchen or bedroom, as the lights for the bathroom are on the same circuit, not yet wired into outlets. But I can take a stab at decluttering the kitchen in the natural daylight today.

I finally saw something political that made me smile: The candidates' speeches at the Al Smith dinner on Thursday night. Both candidates were drop-dead funny and self-deprecating. They poked fun at themselves, their opponents, their fellow politicians and the media. I've come away with the feeling that we should not demand that our Presidential candidates debate, we should make them do stand-up comedy instead. It would make everyone feel better. That's what's been lacking in this whole process--a sense of humor. If you want a good belly-laugh, look it up on youtube.

Onward.

Let's hear it for indoor plumbing!

I think I heard angels singing this afternoon:

I took a bath! I flushed the toilet!

I am so happy!

Benign Pathology

There is no better word to a former cancer patient than "benign!" Dr. Anderson says that all is well in the nether world of my female parts. My uterus gets to stay, at least for the time being. I do not have to have a recheck for another year. Hooray!

The bathroom project was put on temporary hold this morning, so Joe could go over and fix a problem at one of the rentals. Now he's back and being very busy, much pounding and banging, as the tub enclosure goes in and the plumbing gets hooked up.

My lighting fixtures arrived, the extra sink and vanity faucet got returned, and we push forward toward full functionality by the weekend.

All good news today.

The Big News O' the Day

I am still working on Bill's computer, as mine is still at the geek-ward getting a new brain. In the meantime, I can't post pictures today of the most wonderous event of the week, the *Grand Opening* of the new Food City.

I had to go check it out, of course. The parking lot was jammed-full,and the store itself was full of Rogersvillians (Rogersvillites?) It was indeed a marvelous grocery store experience, full of proud-as-papa corporate-suit types wandering the aisles along with the rest of us plebes scoping out the deli, the produce, the bakery, the video store, the pharmacy, etc. I don't think I've seen that many of my fellow townsfolk in one place since the Fourth of July.

I'm pleased as punch that we have a truly modern place to shop on my end of town. You can even put your laundry in and go see a movie, all in the same vicinity!

Gas at Walmart was $2.71 today! Will wonders never cease?

My life is so exciting.

*******
On the bathroom front, the tub is in place, the toilet is situated, and plumbing connections are scheduled for tomorrow. Life is good.

Busier than I want to be

Life has been big-time crazy around here. I haven't had two seconds to rub together to spend on the blog or anything fun.

The bathroom project continues, with yesterday devoted to much lumber and pounding. Today I have hopes that the boys will finish the floor and that will mean I'll have the "modern conveniences" back again by tomorrow.

My computer went "POP!" on Saturday morning when the power cut out, and now it seems to have lost its cerebellum. It's sad to see it sitting there, blinking "INSERT BOOT DISK," like a rabid raccoon who has lost its brain and is running in circles. Off to the computer hospital with it this morning.

Then there's the other annoyance, my job as property manager. Late yesterday afternoon, I got a call that the heat was not working at one of the rental houses. I was in the midst of packing up 60 (count 'em, SIXTY) eBay auction boxes, but I went over there to see what the problem might be. When I got there, the thermostat showed that it was 75 degrees in the house, apparently too cold for the tenant. I got the furnace to kick in and move it up to 80. "Still too cold!" she pantomimed, as she speaks only Korean, and a very little English.

I realize that my tamoxifen-fueled internal furnace skews my perception of what ambient temperature should be, but give me a break! When I told her that it would be morning before I could get a repairman out to look at it, she started to wail, "No, no, what we do at night?"

I don't know about you, but I grew up in a home that didn't waste money on heating the whole house--if you were cold, you were told to put on a sweater! I'm living here without the benefit of toilet or shower, so certainly they can suck it up and manage one night under extra clothes and quilts, even if it gets down to a moderately cool 65 at night, right? Especially when they let me know about the problem late in the day instead of first thing in the morning. I may not have the patience for this type of work.

So today, I have to take the repairman over to the rental, then off to Fedex for shipping a whole car load of boxes, seeing the computer man, and picking up the vanity. (When I went for the vanity last week, it was scratched and dinged and I refused delivery until they could get me one that was right).

Another crazy day ahead.

3 am Musings

What in the world am I doing awake at 3 am?

Thinking about: what to cook when Molly and Alexandra come to visit, moving and making up beds for them, cleaning up the floor space first, auction pictures that need to be taken for this weekend, the sequence of events in the bathroom renovation, bills that need to be paid, stocks I should buy when the market finally capitulates and hits bottom, who's going to win the election and how that affects our taxes, what to pack for my 2-month sojourn on the west coast, what to knit next, why my kitchen counters are so cluttered and how to put away all that stuff so I can move around in there, and isn't it about time for my regular dental appointment?

Should I: Ask Joe to re-wire the entire house and put in a new circuit breaker box next year? Drill a new well? Get a real job? Or should I concentrate on present dilemmas: Do the laundry (in other words, am I out of underwear yet)? Call Juli at work? Buy drinking water this week? Get Echo a new dog bed before the trip west? Start sweeping leaves off the driveway on our walks before it gets too bad and I can't get the car up the hill? Go to Heritage Days today or tomorrow?Pick those last tomatoes off the vine or leave them where they are?

Finally, to shut the noise in my head off, I haul myself out of bed, go make coffee and come upstairs to write.

And here I sit, waiting for the muse to wake up.

Home Now, Feeling Good

Other than a sore throat and a little dinginess from the anesthesia, I'm good.

My doc said the frozen section looked good, there wasn't much there (no overgrown endometrium), and she thinks I'm in good shape. We'll wait for the full pathology next week, but I think we're done with this particular concern.

Honestly, I think it took them longer to do all the paperwork than to do the medical stuff.

Now, I think I'll go have my cup of coffee I missed this morning.

Whew.

It's all so familiar...

Up at 6 this morning, but no coffee for me. No water, no food, no exercise (because of no water).

I've got my knitting bag ready and my billing notebook and my current meds list.

Before I go, I'll walk the dog and take a stab at vacuuming, so I can come home to a clean house.

It is SO depressing that I know how to do this so well.

The Wrecking Crew

Well, the boys are pounding away with their hammers and prying everything apart with their crowbars this morning.

There is something SO satisfying about watching something you hate go away!

They are leaving me the shower for the weekend, but the vanity and the toilet are gone. If they get far enough along today, they will temporarily hook up the new toilet, but if not, Echo and I will be "hiking" in the woods a little more often. It'll be like camping, right?

That big hole in the middle of the floor is the heater & air conditioning vent! (More evidence of the stupidity of the previous occupants and home "improvers"). It will be relocated to a more congenial spot over by the exterior wall, where I don't have to STEP ON IT every time I get out of the shower!

My mom asked me about color. I am still pondering that aesthetic. Fixtures will be white & chrome, countertops will be grey granite-like. This morning I woke up thinking about a muted grape shade for the walls. Does this mean I get to buy new towels too? I'll have to live with this initial idea for a few days, maybe go get some paint chips to mull over while I'm recouping.

I'm all set for surgerizing tomorrow. MaryAnn will pick me up around 8:30 am and drop me off for my mountains of paperwork and lab stuff. Hopefully, I will be done and out of there by 3 or 4 pm. It makes for a very long day for both of us. Thank you, thank you, MaryAnn!

And thank you Joe & Josh, for doing the bathroom wrecking! I can't wait for a clean new bathroom to use and enjoy.

Bathroom One-Day Delay

It's raining! Because of the rain, Joe will be a day late on starting the bathroom. He has to finish his roofing project today, and promises that he will be here at 7:30 am tomorrow morning.

No sooner did I get his call, the toilet stopped flushing. How do the machines, appliances and fixtures know this stuff? I am struck by the awesome nature of cosmic coincidence once again. So, it's back to Girl Scouting in the woods from now on. Just me and my entrenching tool, and a roll of TP stuck in my fanny pack as I hike.

I spent yesterday working out my frustrations with a wrecking bar and hammer. I pulled all the nasty rough cedar planks off the walls in the bathroom, pounded out the nails from the backside and pulled them out with pliers. I wore a dust mask. I dinged my hands a little and got more than a few splinters, but how exhilarating it was to DESTROY things to work out my medical anger.

I went online and bought some new lighting fixtures for the bathroom:

Yes, I looked everywhere locally for something clean and modern, but came up empty-handed. The only problem with shopping online is the sheer gargantuan number of pages (1 of 2,352!) of lighting fixtures one has to peruse to find something that suits. But add in free shipping, and I'm a believer!

Today I'll go over to Mo-Town and pick up the fan I ordered and the vanity, buy some Romex and outlets and switches, and some light bulbs for the new sconces.

Oh--and use their bathroom while I'm there.

My Big Fat Emotional See-Saw

I was REALLY UPSET yesterday, I guess you could tell?

My blinding left-eyebrow headache from last night is now gone, thanks to a good night's sleep. I have a little balance back. My attitude is one of resignation, a feeling I remember all too well from last year. Big sigh, buck up, square the shoulders, march toward the future.

Bless you, MaryAnn, for helping with the logistics of transportation, since they won't let me drive home all woozy from the anesthesia. It's stupid that getting there and back is the most difficult part of this very simple surgery, and I truly HATE having to impose on friends to drive me hither and yon, wasting their day as well as mine.

Thank you, both Mom & SIL Kellie, for offering to come out and take care of me if they do have to do the hysterectomy. I don't think for a minute that they will find cancer in their biopsy, but I have to do the prudent thing and let them go look for it. Knowing that I have a backup plan really helps on the calmness scale.

I've decided I'm not letting them take more parts in the name of "What if?" Yes, because of the tamoxifen I'm taking to hopefully prevent breast cancer recurrence, that puts me at higher risk for endometrial and uterine cancer. Yes, keeping my ovaries puts me at greater risk for B/C recurrence. But I get to be stubborn about some things. This is one of them. If we just started yanking out pieces that might become traitors in the future, I'd be left with a head on a bubbling fluid-chamber, like in those old sci-fi movies. And then, with my luck, I'd get brain cancer anyway.

Yesterday, my gyn told me I needed to do some soul-searching and decide how much of a risk-taker I wanted to be, versus how compulsively I fear more cancer. As far as I am concerned, life as I knew it ended last fall--it's all borrowed time now, the first real smack of mortality in my previous 55 years of risk-taking life. Anyone who knows me, knows I have spent my life doing stupid and risky things. But I am more fearful now, in general, than I have ever been in my life.

On the other side, the worst has already happened. I feared breast cancer so much that I never even entertained the idea that it might happen to me. In fact, I was convinced that I was immune. It was my "Room 101," the unthinkable nightmare that I shrank from, using daily denial and a false sense of proactive annual measures designed to convince myself that it would never happen to me. Yeah, THAT worked out really well...

I could try to eliminate everything that might give me more cancer in the future, and be felled by a heart attack or die in a car accident tomorrow. Or be hit by a bus. (editor's note: Why is it always a bus? I actually had a relative who died after being hit by a streetcar; does that count?)

Life is never without risk, and yes, no matter what we do, we all still die of something. I refuse to go out passive and cowed, living whatever time I have left cautiously and fearfully. That's not me.

So yesterday, denial. Today, anger. Once again on the treadmill of grief-stages, I plod along, just trying to enjoy myself in spite of the random nonsense swirling about. Onward.

Oh joy, I win another dead fish!

Everytime I start to feel like I am turning a corner, someone slaps me across the kisser with a dead fish. Okay, it's not such a great metaphor, but the other one I thought of was unprintable.

I get to have still another surgery! Drum roll, please.

Having been largely ignored since my children were born, my uterus has decided to get involved in the medical free-for-all that's been going around here for the last year. So, off I go to get that biopsied on Friday.

If it's cancer again, then it's hysterectomy time. If it's clear, then I'll get to do this ultra-sound plus biopsy or D&C every six months until I get sick of it all and decide eventually to have the hysterectomy. Oh, and they want my ovaries too. Great.

I am getting a little annoyed at giving away my parts to the medicos, piece by piece. And I am very, very tired of anesthesia, hospitals, foot socks and surgerizing.

Yet, here I go again...

Too much informercial...

It's getting obvious that I need to turn off the television set.

Not only am I beyond incensed over Congress and their determination to send us straight to Socialist Hell, I am starting to pay way too much attention to all the swell stuff the commercials are trying to sell me.

It all looks like great stuff. I mean really, can I live another day without a Sham-WOW? Especially if I call in the next 10 minutes ("because we can't do this all day!"), and they'll DOUBLE the offer!

Then there's Paint Perfect, Patch Perfect and Pasta Perfect. Okay, forget the pasta thing, microwaved pasta tastes awful. But with Paint Perfect, there's no drip or mess, no messy rollers to clean, and you even get the mini to go around tight spaces! And Patch Perfect grows a lawn right on concrete!

Pedi-Paws for shaving off the dog's toenails, Debbie Myers' Green Bags so my produce won't rot, and Fix-it for furniture and car scratches. Mighty Putty, which looks really useful for just about everything, Shed-Ender for Echo, HD Wraparound Sunglasses, the H2O Mop, Handy Switch, Loud-n-Clear, Snap-Lidz and Slim Clip. It's endless.

Here's what keeps me from making that purchasing decision: Even if I bought all this incredibly indispensable stuff, I doubt my ability to find it once I have it in the house. First, I'd order it and it would come and sit on the dining room table for a month. Then I'd find a place to put it, so it would be there the next time I needed to patch a leaky pipe, trim the dog's nails or fill a scratch.
Then I would go to where it was supposed to be, and I wouldn't be able to find it.

I'd tromp through the house looking everywhere and muttering, "I know I bought the perfect xxxxxx thing! Where is it?" And I'll drive myself crazy over it for days until something else needs to be fixed or painted, and then the whole process will start over again, looking for something else.

So what we have here is kind of a reverse-rationalization: If I don't buy it, then I don't have to lose it and make myself insane. Plus, I suspect that once one starts taking advantage of all these incredible offers, it's an unstoppable addiction. You start spending all your money on the latest invention or indispensable item, and before you know it, you have a lot of worthless stuff and you're bankrupt.

Kinda like Fannie & Freddie? Maybe I can get Congress to buy all this keen stuff for me?

Joe Construction-Guy Comes Through!

The bathroom renovation is ON!

Joe is coming to start on Wednesday or Thursday.

Happiness! Happiness!

Brrrr...

Bill woke me up with a phone call from Japan this morning. I noticed that under the quilt I was comfortably toasty, but my nose and ears were decidedly chilled. After we talked, I hauled myself out of bed to discover it was 63 degrees in the house. I'm all for saving energy, but that's just too cold. I turned on the heat for the first time since last February.

I blame being a native Californian; I seem to operate only within a very narrow range of temperatures. If it gets over 80, I'm too hot. If it drops below 68, I'm too cold. What a wimp.

So today, the heat is on. This weekend it's supposed to warm right back up again, and I'll probably switch back to A/C. Then next week, heat again. The electric company will love me.

Not so much ranting today

My, I do go off in tangents at times. I'm feeling better today, a little more optimistic about life in general, very happy that the world is turning towards cooler days, cooler nights, colorful trees and the crispy sounds of dried leaves scuttling across the driveway in the wind.

I love autumn here in TN. Whereas fall was a time for sadness in NY (kids going back to school, winter looming), here it is a joyful relief from the heat and bugs of summer. And it lasts and lasts! Not a quick, 6-week burst of a season, but a full three months of glorious and comfortable walking in the woods, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of the forest.

Echo is back to being her complete, normal dog-self. Whatever precipitated her terrible illness (Bill suspects snakebite), she is over it now, as if it never happened. Cesar Millan says, "Dogs live in the 'now,' never in the past like humans." Ain't it the truth.

I need more of that "living in the now" myself. It's easy to dwell on the frustrations and losses of the past year, but it's not very productive. The one thing this illness did give me is an appreciation for every little pleasure in each day. A mental note to stop and experience the small moments of joy and contentment as they occur, and to pay attention, before moving on to the next mundane thing.

Speaking of which, I finished Alex's hat!

I am SO tickled by how this turned out! The lining is super-soft and fuzzy (my fingers are sore from dealing with the slipperiness of the fine, soft yarn on the bamboo needles), it's warm and it's drop-dead cute. I'm so enchanted with this pattern, I immediately started another two, one for each of the bald-headed men in my life, husband and brother. That should keep me busy and happy for a few weeks!

As if I needed more reminders...

Lord save us, today is the beginning of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Yes, a full 31 days of pink-marketing assault, from constant stories in the news, to survivor testimonials, to walks and runs and rallies. Everything you buy this month will either be pink, wrapped in pink or sport pink ribbon logos. Sigh.

I am of two minds about this. Yes, it is good for women to be aware of breast cancer, and it is good to remind them to go get screened. Yes, it is good for corporations to donate and organizations to raise money for research and advocacy foundations.

But there is something unseemly about the full court press to market everything from hammers to Fig Newtons to batteries to bath towels to make consumers buy, buy, buy, thinking they are "fighting breast cancer" with every purchase. It smacks of exploitation.

As one of the exploited, I cringe during October. As I've been working through my mental fog of the last year, I actually have parts of days where I don't think about the pain, the mutilation, the fear and horror of what breast cancer did to me physically and mentally. Then I go grocery shopping, and get to re-live it in every blessed aisle. Thank you. Thank you so very much.

Why would I, a breast cancer "survivor," want to fill my house with pink merchandise, so that I have constant reminders of what I've been through? Does it make me feel better to buy pink Oreos or pink foot powder, knowing that some corporate giant is donating ten cents to the Komen Foundation? No, it does not.

My general feeling is that charity, whether practiced by individuals or corporations, should be done with a pure heart and a closed mouth. It doesn't count as a virtue if you are compelled to tout your "generosity." Since businesses cannot take a tax deduction for their charitable contributions, they use this month and my disease to promote their products, boost sales, and justify their giving. It disturbs me, morally.

On the other hand, it's a winning formula for the foundations. They too market breast cancer aggressively to the corporate entities, using the precise argument that promoting pink will indeed boost their sales, providing a rationalization for the charitable gift. The net result has been an explosion of funding for organizations to promote their agendas, and yes, perhaps save women's lives in the long run.

In the meantime, I just want to bury my head in my pillow during October. In November, all that pink merchandise gets shuffled to the Dollar Stores for fire-sale prices, which for some reason makes me even sadder. Racks and racks of unwanted pink trinkets feels like the world has rejected my affliction, my pain. And then I realize, I'm part of the problem. By boycotting Breast Cancer Awareness October, the inevitable result is Dollar Store November.

Pink is the color of my very crappiest year ever. Pink is the color of remembrance of things best forgotten, or at least shoved into the deepest, darkest recesses of my mental closet. There is no joy in pink.