Healing

I'm so COLORFUL, I must be healing at last! I kept thinking last night that my chest and back really shouldn't still ache so much--but when I undressed for bed, I could see the black-and-blue (and green-and-purple-and-yellow) bruises peeking up from underneath my bandages. So this is what they mean about plastic surgery and post-op bruising, HA! They must have really wrestled those puppies in while I was under anesthesia (and stitched me up tight too, some moves make me think I'm going to just ~POP~ and deflate, so I stop doing those things right away). I feel like I'm right back at the beginning, recovering again from the mastectomy, complaining about the chest pressure and phantom pain. What a wuss I am in the mornings!

I'm trying straight acetaminophen today as my drug of choice. The percs are marvelous for pain relief, but they just wreck my digestive system (in addition to being potentially highly addictive). I'm at the tipping point of side effects outweighing the benefits, and I'm going to see how I do with OTC Tylenol instead.

The oddest physical sensation has been the phenomenon known as "phantom limb syndrome." The removed tissues once contained nerves, and the neuro-pathways that transmitted sensation messages to the brain from the breasts, (such as "my nipple itches" for example), are still in place, even if the tissues and actual nerves are gone. I still get those messages, because the brain hasn't re-routed the old pathways. It's weird to be getting sensation from something that isn't there anymore. Not really uncomfortable, but certainly discomfiting, because my brain tells me something I know to be untrue. Talk about learning to trust one's body again!

In all of this is the renewed awareness and absolute wonder of the human body itself. First, that something I take so for granted could "betray" me so dramatically and abhorrently, next that doctors actually know what to do to begin to fix it, next that it all works so marvelously and intricately, despite the outrages visited upon it lately. I was invaded by disease, assaulted by the tests and the excision, enhanced and rebuilt with techno-parts and now I am actually recovering from all of it. Amazing! Truly, I am a "work in progress!" I hope that even in despairing moments, I never lose my capacity for curiosity and wonder at the whole process.

The other awareness that I recognize on a daily basis is that of mental attitude influencing physical health. The more one wallows in misery, the more misery one experiences. The more I shrug off the details of physical pain and refuse to acknowledge its presence, the less pain I actually feel. When confronted with a situation where I have no control, the one thing I absolutely refuse to do is relinquish control over my emotional and mental attitude. I am not going to let the cancer itself or the efforts toward eradicating it get me down, by golly. Attitude is something I can control, and I refuse to let it take me down a path of negativity.

Everyone keeps telling me that I have a great attitude, but for me, it isn't really anything other than my own stubbornness--and stubbornness is not usually a virtue. But how else is one to behave if one is to cope? I had a great (bad) example when I was overnight in the hospital 2 weeks ago--my roommate was a person who had no resources of control over her mental attitude. She was a victim not only of her pain but also for refusing to take responsibility for her own recovery. She wanted everyone to help her, but she refused to even try to help herself. Once I decided I didn't want to be like that, the rest was easy.

And it's easy to be smug and positive when I have such incredible support from husband, family & friends. Knowing that you're all in the bleachers cheering me on to the finish line has to be the biggest motivator for self-control and self-inspiration there is. None of us walks this path alone, and all of the victories are shared ones. Thank you, and "God bless us, every one!" (even Charles Dickens could climb out of doom & depression and be positive occasionally)!