Can't sleep

Ok, ok, Miss Get-Your-Comeuppance-Here can't sleep this morning. Up at 2:30, tossing until 3:45, on the computer at 4 am.

I'm hot, I'm sweaty, I can't turn my mind off. Menopause or nervousness?

Bill drove almost all the way yesterday, while I finally cracked open Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book. Heavily technical, jam-packed with statistics, generally anti-mastectomy in bias, full of useful and helpful and sometimes downright amazing information. Some of the info and stats make my toes curl and my stomach clench. The good news is that maybe I'll be able to follow what they tell me today, now that I understand the anatomy a little better, and understand how doctors arrive at their best guess as to what will work best.

The bottom line is that they know more now than ever before, but they still don't know why "good cells go bad" and they can't predict outcomes with certainty. Like most things in life, it's a crap-shoot. Some treatments should work and don't. Some patients look like lost causes and survive. What we're shooting for is a five-year survival without recurrence--statistically, if you can do that, you've pretty much beat it. How to get there is the big question.

Everybody keeps telling me that the choice of treatment is my decision. That assumes that I know what I want more than anyone else. I know that I want to not have this disease, and as Dr. Mark says, that horse is pretty much out of the barn. So my second choice is to "live long and prosper." I'll listen to what they propose, state my preferences, and make my best choice based on that priority. I have no absolute feelings of "I won't do that," if it means I get to live those 5 years and beyond, cancer-free. But I know they can't even guarantee that--all they can do is give me their best ideas on how to do that.

One day at a time. Today is one of the big days, but tomorrow will come too, and the next day. I can stay calm. I can breathe. But I don't think I can sleep.