Bill has decided to postpone his trip to Illinois until after his work-week in Philadelphia. The plan now is for him to go up for hunting season on Cousins Steve & Alice's farm, the week before Thanksgiving. If his dad is amenable, Bill will then bring him down here for a visit at the end of the month. We will then drive him back, or put him on a plane to get him back home.
Dad is reluctant to leave Illinois however, because Bill's mom is not doing well. I spoke with the head nurse at the nursing home yesterday. The diagnosis is "failure to thrive;" she is basically just fading away physically now. She continues a slow and steady decline, losing weight each week, despite attempts to intervene nutritionally. The family has decided that feeding tubes are not a good option, given her near-catatonic mental state. Instead, hospice services have been instigated to keep her comfortable. Knowing my mother-in-law for many years when she was a vibrant, active and pragmatic woman, I know in my heart that she would agree to this course of treatment. But it is still a major strain on everyone--essentially "giving up" on a much-loved person, despite the fact that she has not been mentally "present" for three years now. We are commending her to her God's gentle graces. It's hard.
I am trying to be at peace, trying to live without stress. Sometimes, I feel dangerously detached while I am working on maintaining a state of calm, worry-free existence. It is essential to my own health that I don't become "inflamed," emotionally or physically. I do miss feeling feelings with my past great intensity. This side-effect of surviving cancer worries me--it's as if after all that drama, what's worth getting agitated about?
Bad ju-ju is ahead, it's unavoidable. I just have to trust that my body and mind are protecting me with this weird emotionless numbness.
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