Off to See the Gizzard....

Well here I am, feeling sorry for myself yet again. Today I deliver myself into the arms of the Medical Machine once more, in its continuing quest to cover its collective behind. Today is my second CT scan of the "suspicious spots" on my lungs.

I know--whine, whine, whine. It's what I do best. Railing at the fates, bargaining with divine powers, generally plodding forward with a sourpuss face, a chip on my shoulder, and an inner child who is whimpering in fear. I hate the way these continuous medical tests make me feel--like a cancer patient.

I want to be SO DONE with all of that. For the last few months, I've felt like I've been on the verge of turning a corner, actually forgetting some days about where I've been, and almost forgiving my body and the random universe that turned my world upside down and changed my life forever. Trying to get past it all, not so much as to go back (because that just isn't possible), but to go forward without carrying so much resentful baggage.

It is what it is. And I'm just so gosh-darned lucky to have skated on the edge of the mortality pond without falling through the ice and drowning. I've been existing somewhere between gratitude and guilt, relief and resentment. Every time I think I'm getting a handle on it and mastering my emotions, it's time for another reminder that it's not so distant after all. The possibility of it is always lurking, just waiting for another test to reveal that I didn't get off relatively free.

I have already decided that this is my last CT scan on this particular quest. I don't feel like being an enabler forever, and I'm tired of subjecting myself to still more hefty doses of radiation that feed my fears. I'm still not convinced that it wasn't the constant mammogramming back in the 70s that gave me cancer in the first place, back in the days when the doses were inordinately high compared to now.

So today's test is my line in the sand. No more poking and prodding and no more looking for trouble. I've started to feel like a healthy person again, and I'm not going to let the medicos' fear of litigation rule my life.