I keep expecting things to get dramatically better. It's not that kind of process, and I know this intellectually, but I wake up every morning thinking I'll be ALL BETTER today. Instead, it just gets weirder and in some ways, harder.
I'm supposed to be happy that the cancer is gone and I am reconstructed. On some level, I truly am, but I keep sabotaging myself by doing denial and anger all over again. Every time I look at myself, it's a case of rationalization. "Well," I think. "How about that. Scabs and scars and puckers, and wow, doesn't that look just plain ugly!" Then I sigh and think, "I guess it's better than dying of cancer." Swell.
The weather doesn't help. We need the rain, but it's been gloomy and gray for 3 or 4 days now. Bill & Mom are still sick. (I still am relatively asymptomatic, clutching my bottle of hand sanitizer and using Zicam 6 times a day and resisting all hugs). I'm also PMS-ey this week, and tears fall with no provocation at all. Emails about puppies make me cry. Walking in the woods makes me cry. Rubbing lotion on my chest makes me cry. So I mentally slap myself and get busy doing something else. This goes on, over and over, all day long. Weep, slap. Leak, slap. Bawl, slap. Oh, for heaven's sake!
Patience is what is required, and I'm just plain impatient. I'm tired of the long, drawn-out process. Let's get this over with! Enough already!
Grrrrrr. I want to be able to sleep on my stomach!!!! I want my life back!!!!
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Pam, I am so, so sympathetic/empathetic. Just when I see a light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel grows 100 ft. longer. Actually, I think that you are very brave. I cry at least 2xs a day and some of that is official racked with sobs/feeling sorry for myself/puffy-eyed misery. And you, my dear, have much more reason for abject misery than do I. So feel free to wallow in periodic misery...I find that it sometimes helps...kind of like a good colon cleansing! Love always, Terry
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